Grand Theft Auto V

Months after the release of the first official trailer for Grand Theft Auto V, details on the game have remained fairly scarce.  Now however, information about the direction of the upcoming sequel is finally coming to light.

“The greatest thing about the franchise’s last visit to San Andreas wasn’t the action, or story, or freedom to explore a huge, detailed world,” said Leslie Benzies, long-time producer of the GTA series. “It was the game’s meticulous attention to the protagonist’s physiology. If you ate too much, your character would become fat and sluggish; if he spent a lot of time at the gym he’d get stronger. That’s the sort of thing that gets people invested, that really makes them believe in the world of the game. With Grand Theft Auto V, we’re really pushing that to the forefront to make the most exciting open-world action game/health and personal hygiene simulator ever released.”

GTA: San Andreas’ character development mechanics will be returning in even greater detail. While its predecessor’s tracking of the player’s physical condition was relatively simple, Grand Theft Auto V will have a much more detailed system. “It’s not just a matter of going to the gym, doing some button-mashing to lift some weights, and getting stronger. You’ve got to exercise all the major muscle groups- quads, lats, abdominals, everything- as well as aerobic exercise to maintain cardiovascular health. You’ll also have to maintain proper levels of hydration, have appropriate rest periods between sets, remember to wipe off the equipment afterward if you’re using an exercise machine- all the fascinating minutiae of exercise.

“The player will have tremendous freedom to choose different training options according to the sort of development they want for their own character, whether it’s weight machines, treadmills, jogging, the StairMaster, free weights, isolation exercises, deadlifts, squats, or injecting various mixtures of anabolic steroids, amphetamines, and human and animal hormones into your buttocks. You’ll have to choose wisely, of course, or you may end up with a huge upper body and little stick legs, or be unable to throw a decent punch because you’ve developed huge biceps but neglected your triceps, or become so ‘roided up that you become an acne-covered, tiny-balled, man-bosomy rageaholic or, God forbid, a Gears of Warcharacter.”

Other physical attributes of the main character will also play an important role during gameplay, requiring players to carefully monitor and manage things like their current bowel and bladder capacity, blood sugar, hair length, body odor, breath odor, blood pressure, cholesterol levels, beard length, sperm count, sun exposure and sunscreen SPF, fingernail and toenail length, blood alcohol content, risk of dangerous interactions between prescription medications, and many other important stats.

“There will be a lot of challenging minigames to really bring the character to life,” Benzies said. “Showering, shaving, applying various creams and lotions, using the toilet, brushing your teeth, changing your contact lenses, ‘taking care of business’ when your character gets lonely, and lots of others. Videogame development is a conservative industry. I’m sure there are naysayers who will insist that fans of the Grand Theft Auto series won’t want to have to periodically interrupt the game’s usual intense intense action and excitement to play minigames that revolve around mashing buttons to successfully mix a protein shake, or maintain correct posture during a shoulder press, or douse yourself in aftershave to conceal how long it’s been since you’ve showered, but we believe gamers are a lot more open to innovation than they’re given credit for.”